I want to share a secret with you. My life isn’t perfect. My days aren’t always spent laughing with my adorable sassy toddler or excited about the new salon I just moved into. Jon and I are not always getting along with each other. We fight, Dakota throws tantrums & things go wrong which results in me wanting to go cry it out in the shower alone. What you see is not always what you get, especially on social media. If you saw my instagram you would think these last 3 months have been amazing and they HAVE been in some ways. Dakota just turned two years old. She amazes me everyday with the new sentences she’s trying to say and warms my whole heart with her sweet “love you, mama” followed by hugs. Jon and I are always good, even when we’re not. Does that make sense? We are just really good at saying sorry and admitting when we are wrong. He’s great at understanding where I’m coming from or at least trying to. I love that man to death and he’s been my constant support. There have been big changes in both of our careers, that has been a little stressful but also exciting! From the outside everything looks great! Everything IS great and we are blessed beyond belief, but I have been so burdened with the secret I keep inside. We were pregnant & then we were not.
In September, while we were in beautiful Florida on a family vacation I had a miscarriage. You would never know based on the smiling pictures that I posted. You would never know because of course Im not going to post myself popping advil, crying in the bathroom alone. The timing was horrible so I tried to make the best of our vacation. My family flew down from Ohio, so I wanted to make sure everyone had a great time. We planned the trip and convinced them to come down which made me feel the responsibility to make it fun. I tried really hard to shift my focus, probably somewhat in shock. It also helped in some way to be floating in the ocean while I was having a miscarriage. I would go in and out of having fun, the reality would start to come over me that this was really happening, we were losing this little baby. I was only 7 weeks, but I discovered that the weeks didn’t matter at all. I was still devastated. I was mad & confused about how this could possibly happen, I have a perfectly healthy 21 month old. I was going to be due May 3rd, which was the most perfect timing. They would be 2.5 years apart & best little friends. I felt like I failed Jon & Dakota somehow by not being able to carry his child and not giving her a sibling she could be close in age to. I still struggle with that. I was excited to not be pregnant over the summer this time around. Now I’m just so hard on myself for not trying for a baby sooner due to my own selfish reasons of not wanting to get pregnant until late summer.
Once we left Florida the hardest times followed. I could have never known how much this would affect me. I am an empathetic person & a feeling person. I am also a pick yourself up by the bootstraps, pray about it and move on kind of person. I just couldn’t move on. Physically my body wasn’t moving on either, which probably made it extra hard for me. What normally takes up to 2 weeks, took a month. So that means I was miscarrying for a month and still getting a positive pregnancy test for a month. That took me well into October with no chance to get pregnant again. I just never knew how hurtful loss could be. I know that not everyone experiences it like this. I think that I’ve put a lot of pressure on the timing being exactly what I wanted. The saying ” If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans” never rang truer.
Speaking of timing, I have 5 close girlfriends who all found out they are pregnant right after me. If you’re reading this, I think you can only truly know what this feels like if its happened to you. With each new pregnancy announcement I have felt what I can only explain as my whole heart sinking into my body. Also like a knife stabbing me right in my feelers. The first one came a couple days after coming home from vacation and I wasn’t prepared for it. I had been looking forward to this friend experiencing pregnancy and motherhood and we had a lot of conversations about it. But unfortunately at this particular time it crushed me and made me fall apart. I was SO happy for her and SO sad for me at the same time. She is now 1 of the 3 girlfriends who I see everyday at work on my floor who are pregnant. Sitting in the break room I have overheard people say “don’t drink the water!” and “everyones pregnant up in here!”. I have to walk away, put on my strong face and go back to my client pretending like nothing is wrong. I see their cute baby bumps growing everyday and I just can’t help but to feel envious. My clients ask me “how was your vacation?” and I lie, smiling and tell them all the good parts. Sometimes my clients innocently ask “Isn’t it about time to give Dakota a sibling?” and I know its coming from a good, genuine place but that hurts too.
Im actually really thankful for having a business where I go 4 days a week and I get to forget all of the emotions swirling in my mind. Maybe this is what also led me to start a blog. I desired to talk about this miscarriage without having to have full blown conversation because I can never hold it together! There are only a handful of clients who know whats been going on with me over the last few months. It’s been a struggle to hold this story in. I feel like I need to tell others now. I am over pretending and I am over feeling guilty for wanting to talk about it.
I really had no idea how painful loss could be and can’t imagine going through this multiple times. I know that I was only 7 weeks, but after having Dakota I know what that child could have been. I think that Ill know one day why this all had to happen this way. Most likely when I hold another child in my arms that wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t lose this baby. I believe that God will bless us with another child, but its very scary to think about the what if’s. What if I have multiple miscarriages? What if I can’t concieve again? So. many. questions.
The purpose of writing this all out is to just simply share my story. If it makes anyone else feel like they aren’t alone in these emotions then I’ve done something right. Its very therapeutic to lay it all out there. I can’t believe its 2018 and so many women still keep miscarriage to themselves. You shouldn’t have to struggle alone. You shouldn’t have to feel like its a taboo subject. Its ok to FEEL all of the emotions and its ok to tell whoever you want. I had to give myself permission to grieve longer than what society tells you is ok.
I hope to bring you all along on our journey to have another baby. Cat’s out of the bag! We are definitely trying to get pregnant. We could use all of the prayers and thoughts that you can give! Thank you so much for reading our story.
xo, Jessica
I’m so sorry for yours and Jon’s loss. I’m sitting here bawling because I’m sure my comment on Instagram hurt you and I hope you know I would never intentionally do that. I hope you are healing physically and both your hearts as well. I hope you get your wish of a new baby soon and I look forward to the day you welcome a new perfect mix of you and Jon. Lots of love and big hugs. Kathy
Kathy 💜 it’s totally ok! I was going to post this before you commented. Believe me I know you would never try to hurt us! Thank you so much for the love!
Oh Jess, I’m so so sorry. I also had a miscarriage I was about 8 wks. I was very upset for a long time. Do ever feel ashamed of grieving, grieve as long as you have to.
Love you Aunt Michelle ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much Aunt Michelle! I didn’t know that you had one too 💜 it’s hard, I know time will help but grieving is taking awhile.
I’m very sorry for your loss. But I believe like you do, that these things happen for some reason, unknown at the time. I have a good friend that carried her little boy to term two years ago. Then lost him hours after his birth. It’s been an awful experience for her as you can imagine. She is now pregnant with a little girl,due in a few weeks. I’m elated for her. She has had a few miscarriages after her sons death as well. I’m sharing this because I believe there is hope, and it’s akways about God’s timing for us. We never know His timing and we wish we did! I have a beautiful 6 year old boy and I expected a perfect little family. I’m now a single mom after infidelity. No longer gave my two step children in my life. It’s painful. But our journey is not for us to decide and I’ve found the joy in being a single mom. I am SO blessed to have my son and I wouldn’t change a thing about how I got him. Prayers and hugs to you and Jon. I have no doubt you will be blessed with even more than you expected. Take care. ❤️
Awe seeetie. There is no time table for grieving, no one way to grieve and all of your emotions and Jon’s too are valid. Make sure to stay connected with each other. I’ve been in your shoes. Virtual Hugs…